


Thank U, Next

by renminiscence



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 11:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16618061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renminiscence/pseuds/renminiscence
Summary: After a series of heartbreaks, Renjun learns to treasure who really matters the most.





	Thank U, Next

**Author's Note:**

> 5 am dump so unbetaed hope u like it tho :(( the ending is meh but yeah :// 14/11 update: from now on you'll be reading an edited ver. aka thank u next 2.0

Jeno coming into Renjun’s life is just like the fresh summer breeze waltzing its way from the sea into the open windows of a home, pleasant and warm.

As soon as they have met, side to side on those wooden desks they exchanged furtive glances and shy introductions, Renjun knows they would have quickly clicked. Even though Jeno is rather a shy type, a reserved boy who hides millions of galaxies of twinkling stars behind his eye-smile, he is an easy-going lad, always down to whatever Renjun proposes him to do or ask. That is why from the outstanding student he is, he usually ends up in trouble with Renjun beside him, and together they bear the scoldings from the teachers, something they will laugh and joke about afterwards.

However, Renjun just not brings Jeno into trouble. He also brings him to his secret hideaways—places he goes to when he skips school, or simply to get away, momentarily, from the real world and be alone—and slowly, he leads him to the path towards his heart.

From the very first moment, Renjun has already known Jeno’s smile would be his death. In fact, every time Jeno’s eyes crinkle into crescents to showcase his bright smile, Renjun’s heart skip a beat, and a funny mechanism in his stomach releases butterflies in it. Every time Jeno’s laugh echoes in Renjun’s ears, his heart flutters so much he fears it might jump out of his chest and fly away. Every time Jeno’s inch of skin touches his, it sets him on fire, but at the same time, it soothes his soul, calming it like a quiet ocean at peace.

Renjun doesn’t know what is it yet, until one day, under the orange-hued horizon being tucked away by the dark blue night sky, as the waves of the sea lull them, Jeno closes the distance that separate them, and kisses him. Jeno’s lips are soft, pressed against his, and Renjun doesn’t remember who leans in for more, but it just makes them pull each other closer, Renjun’s fingers curling around Jeno’s locks, Jeno’s hands firm and hot against on Renjun’s hips.

With eyes closed, lips moist, heart thumping, Renjun knows it is love.

He loves how Jeno holds his hand close to his heart every single day after that evening by the sea. He loves how Jeno is caring, always putting Renjun first in everything, even if it isn’t quite necessary, Renjun mutters against Jeno’s lips, leaving a peck on them one more time before trailing kisses behind his ear. He loves how Jeno answers he must, because that is love. Love is not self-seeking—it is kind. Too kind, in Renjun’s opinion.

Their relationship lasts until graduation. Renjun remembers running into Jeno’s open arms once he has taken off his graduation robes and, hand in hand, they run towards the sun, setting low against the golden waters of the sea. He remembers chasing waves while riding Jeno’s back, laughing as if tomorrow is a faraway dream, enjoying the moment as if destiny holds a future of them together. When the sky has started to darken, being constellated by shimmering stars, they both lie on their backs, arms tuck behind their heads. They stay just like that for a few minutes, listening to the waves crashing softly to the shore.

Moving closer to Jeno, Renjun presses himself to his side, “What are you thinking?”

“I hope this never ends.”

“Never end what?” Renjun asks, lifting a finger to trace patterns on Jeno’s chest.

“This,” Jeno replies, smiling fondly, “Us.”

 Renjun can really say it is love, for to love is also to hope. And Jeno truly hoped.

 

* * *

 

The sensation of clashing into the impact of living and studying in a huger, much more frenetic and busier city than the hometown he grew up in and left behind, is the same exact sensation Renjun feels when he accidentally bumps into Mark, a lean, young man who Renjun has seen only twice in his Statistics class.

Still a bit dazed from the harsh contact between them two, Renjun completely regains his senses once Mark has picked up all of his belongings and is handing them back to him. Mark apologizes, and offers to take him to a nearby clinic if Renjun doesn’t feel okay. Renjun declines, apologizes for his unjustified clumsiness, and bids him goodbye by telling him, “See you in class.”

Mark must have taken his words literally, since from that day on, the boy attends every class of Statistics, without missing even a day.

It is a chilly day of autumnal October when Mark finally walks up to Renjun, and asks him out for a coffee, after weeks of Renjun catching him with the tail of his eye not-so-obviously and intently staring at him.

In a cozy café near the university, surrounded by newly brewed coffee and freshly baked pastries, and maybe that are what created a somewhat alluring atmosphere, Renjun finds himself infatuated to the boy sitting opposite to him, as he talks about his past, his passions, his dreams; about how he is training to be an idol, a rapper in a group to be exact, and how he is attending some classes of the Economics course to jut down notes for his friend Donghyuck, who works part-time and can’t, consequently, attend some of the classes. Mark tells him about how he misses his hometown, to which Renjun can perfectly relate to, and being strangers in a foreign land is a common denominator that bonds him and Mark. 

Amazed by Mark’s eagerness to pursue his dreams and goals, and hard-working ethic, Renjun is drawn to him even more, coffee after coffee, film after film, date after date, embrace after embrace, kiss after kiss. Mark is different—different from what he grew from, from what he used to be—and indeed he feels different, as if renewed, more vibrant and spirited, with Mark being so, too. He admires Mark's solid dedication, and Renjun doesn't deny the fact that, every single day, Mark inspires him to do his best. 

He tells him so, one night, in a dark alley on their way home from the cinema. Mark is an avid cinephile, and Renjun loves how his eyes glimmer every time Mark talks about his favourite films. 

"You're my role model." Renjun bluntly says, before Mark corners him between his arms and pecks the corner of his lips.

After capturing Renjun's lips in his one more time, Mark buries his face into Renjun's neck, "Why is that?"

Lifting his arms to envelop Mark's body in an embrace, Renjun replies, "Because you love what you do, what you are doing. And you don't get tired of it." 

"Well, I'm mastered the art of being patient." Mark snickers, "Being patient with a stubborn like you, mostly." 

Gasping, Renjun doesn't get to seek revenge as his entire body has given up on him and automatically stops responding to his commands once Mark's cold yet tender lips are on his. 

Among Mark’s tricky and hectic schedule, Renjun’s upcoming hellish period of exams, and life happening in between, they both try to juggle everything to make what they have, work out. When numbers and formulas begin to crowd not only Renjun’s notebooks, but also his daily life to the point that he dreams them, and the stress level is nearing to reach its peak, he starts to refuse going out: of his room, or even with Mark. He is sure Mark understands him, and he really does. Mark understands him when he stops replying to any of his calls and messages, Renjun retaining them too distracting. Mark understands him when he sends back the coffees and flowers Mark delivered personally, or thanks to Donghyuck, who slowly becomes Renjun’s studymate and friend. Mark understands him when Renjun shoves him away, after coming all the way from his practice to comfort Renjun once the results of his last exam have been posted out, with him failing it.

It is a cold day of November when they see each other again, in front of the café Mark had asked Renjun out for the first time, and just like the first time, Mark treats him a cup of coffee.

Before Renjun can utter any word the moment they have both seated, Mark reaches out, and Renjun lets him hold his hand, “What happened between us.. Must happen. So you musn't be sorry, or anything, okay?”

Giving Renjun's hand a gentle squeeze, the latter just lets him carry on talking, holding Mark’s tender gaze with all the will he can muster, “Didn't I say I have so much patience mostly for you?” Mark says, showing a half-smile, “So don't go blaming yourself of what happened to us. I totally understand..” 

Blinking away the tears pooling in his eyes, Renjun feels guilty of the way he has treated Mark. His heart dwells as Mark lets go of his hand to thumb Renjun’s blaring cheeks, “What you must do is to be patient, too. Results don’t come by in a blink of an eye. They’ll come, but they’ll take their time.. Our efforts are always paid off in the end.” 

After that, Mark stands up and leans in to place a heartfelt kiss on Renjun’s forehead, bidding him goodbye and ending a relationship that still is one of Renjun’s “what ifs”.

 

* * *

  

Rocky has been the relationship Renjun has with Yukhei, just like the rocky cliffs outside the window, that accompanied Renjun, on his journey on train back to his hometown. On that same train, he meets Yukhei, an exchange student who studies art and wonders around the country in search for an inspiration.

Tall and handsome as those models Renjun has only seen on magazines and televisions, at first he has thought of Yukhei as an arrogant one once he has laid eyes on him. However, as the young man sheepishly asks Renjun if there are any toilets on the train, and telling him how he has read the book Renjun is reading and motioning of zipping his mouth as a sign of not telling him any spoilers though before goofily padding his way towards the direction Renjun showed him where the toilets are, Renjun, still quite perplexed, yet reassured, believes his first impression of the other boy doesn’t match who he really is. 

Thinking his journey on train will be rather sad and melancholic, as he travels back in time as well, recalling what he had left behind the moment he stepped into his new life in the city, Renjun discovers it isn't like that, for Yukhei talks too much for his liking. Even so, he doesn't feel troubled, since Yukhei's quirky and bubbly attitude shines even more than his external appearance. He never runs out of topics to talk about—from argumenting how he likes romanticism way more than neoclassicism, to the reason why giraffes have blue tongues, that have them both thinking hardly, Renjun finds himself attracted, instead of being scared off or weirded out. 

He enjoys Yukhei's company dearly that he volunteers to escort him to the town's hotel, where Yukhei will be staying, nor he refuses his new friend's invitation to keep him company during dinner, during breakfast the next day, and during the following days of his stay in Renjun’s town.

Pleased of busying himself with the art student, rather than to lock himself at home just to yearn about a past he reluctantly wants to think of, Renjun shows Yukhei around, taking him to his hometown’s landmarks, and to the beach—to the sea which never ages as time passes by, still blue and clear as ever. Renjun is there, by his side, watching him take photos, and when Yukhei feels it, he sets his canvass up, mixes up the colors in a palette, and starts creating magic.

Renjun remembers staying by his side and listening to him talk for hours and hours, about everything and nothing, and before he realizes it, he has fallen in love with Yukhei’s mellow voice, with his enthusiastic laugh, with his captivating smile. And seeing how Yukhei isn’t bothered, nor show explicitly he isn’t interested in Renjun, he becomes bolder in showing his affections, and accepts right away when Yukhei asks him to be his boyfriend.

A painting needs to be admired from afar, to get the whole picture and to understand it, because closer it appears blurry, a complete nonsense, it doesn't mean anything. Renjun later perceives Yukhei is just the same.

The more Renjun tries to hold him close, or comes too near, the other boy seems to distant himself, and be so far away that Renjun can't understand why. He can't fathom why behind Yukhei’s sweet smile and his affectionate gaze, he slowly notices a profound sadness. Nevertheless, Renjun swipes off all of his doubts under the rug every time his lips are occupied by Yukhei’s, every time his body is caressed by him, every time Renjun is reminded he is his.

However, Renjun’s world crumbles down in pieces the night the first snow flake falls down from the sky. The night Yukhei leaves him for another guy. The night he understands everything.

In verge of tears, feeling betrayed, disappointed and anguished, Renjun quietly stands by as he helplessly watches Yukhei throw carelessly his belongings inside his backpack. He drops a drawing pad, which he doesn’t even bother to pick up, busy filling in his bag with his clothes. Renjun picks the pad off the floor, and flicks through it, absent-mindedly at first, but unhurriedly being awakened by indecipherable emotions stirring inside him a second later, as he takes in a face that is repeatedly drawn on those sheets of paper.

Finally understanding, and completing the puzzle of the reality of things, Renjun closes the pad, and looks at Yukhei, who is glancing at him worriedly, halting what he is doing.

“You aren’t searching for an inspiration.. You are simply searching for a distraction..” Renjun whispers bitterly. 

“It isn’t like that, Jun..” Yukhei starts, sticking out a hand for Renjun to give back the pad.

Handing it back, Renjun closes his eyes, repressing his tears from falling. Inside him, is a lonely soul being hauled by the irascible waves of a sea in storm, raging and insatiable, but then it finds a point where all is calm. All is undisturbed. He opens his eyes, and there he is, in a silent, dreary hotel room, about to be left behind.

Yukhei has finished packing his things up. He does to walk towards the door, but Renjun speaks up, and his shattered voice stops him on his tracks, “You don’t know love..”

“I do..” Yukhei says, his voice turning attentive, doting, “I do love Jungwoo.”

Renjun’s relationship with Yukhei doesn’t even last two weeks. The hallucinating pain he causes him does last, enough to make Renjun suffer for days, weeks, months.

 

* * *

 

For a very long time, Renjun has felt empty, yet pain and agony feed him well. Lately, he has felt so much, everything has overflowed that it sucked him dry. Where feelings fall short, takes place thoughts: Renjun has thought of how stupid he is, for believing he will receive the amount of love he gives, for believing the right one for him will arrive, for believing he is even deserving of love at all.

It pains him. A lot. To see him suffer like that, to see himself wallow in despair like that. He feels so helpless, so desperate, so miserable.

He looks at himself at the mirror, one day. He looks paler, slimmer, duller. It doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right. The only thing that feels right in that moment is the pullover his grandmother knitted for him. He likes that pullover so much, that even if it is quite worn out, he still brings and wears it everywhere. 

Running his dainty fingers on the fabric, Renjun recalls how his grandma used to educate him a lot about life. He remembers that one particular lesson, one afternoon, while they were outside to listen to the sea wash the shore. Renjun asked her how come her husband’s absence had never bothered her. Stroking Renjun’s side of his face gently, she answered how love was learning to forgive, to not keep in record any wrongdoings. He asked her how she survived after he had left. Grinning, she simply answered him that love was to trust, love was to persevere.

Grateful of his grandmother’s teachings, Renjun realizes why can’t he be grateful of what _Love_ has thought him so far, what he has caught up, what he has already put in practice?

He asks himself why he is being hard on himself, when all he did was to love, and what all happened to him is a consequence and a lesson of love itself?

How can he fully love someone, when he can’t even put so much love that he gives on loving himself?

From that moment on, Renjun thinks of patiently teaching himself to, certainly, start loving himself.

 

* * *

 

“You moved on so fast..” Donghyuck eyes Renjun, a cheeky smile on his face, as he tosses him his apron, “Shoot, who is it?”

Catching his uniform, Renjun chuckles, “Who is it who?”

“The person who is making you feel happy just like that!” Donghyuck exclaims, gesturing Renjun from head to toe, “You look blooming and radiant!”

Shaking his head, Renjun’s smile gets wider, “It’s me, Renjun.”

Slowly learning to treasure himself first, being okay with cherishing himself and who he is and who he will become, everything starts to turn out fine. Now, apart from reassuming his studies, he even has started to work where Donghyuck has a job as a barista.

Earning a strange look from Donghyuck, brows knitting, Renjun just brushes him off playfully whereas he walks over to the cashier and takes the order of a customer.

A good-looking boy with a hard-to-not-notice pale pink hair recites his order once Renjun has greeted him, “I’d like a venti iced-americano. 4 shots, please.”

With a courteous smile, Renjun grabs a plastic cup from behind him. Then, he fishes out out a felt tip from under the counter, “Sure. Your name, Sir?”

“Jaemin. Na Jaemin. Do you also want my number?” 

Frowning, Renjun lets out a laugh, “That’s not necessary.” Punching in his order, Renjun looks up to Jaemin literally beaming at him, “That’d be 5,500₩, Sir..”

Handing him the money, Renjun notes how the other boy is blushing from one cheek to the other, “I know this might sound weird but.. You’re cute.” 

Renjun smiles softly, “Thank you.. Next!”


End file.
